Fowl Fledglings
by PikaChica
Summary: A series of drabbles covering anything I happen to dream up. This includes but is not limited to movie dates, bathroom maulings, irresistible cologne, an unholy amount of blenders, etc. Mostly humorous and a tendency for AxH. Chapter Nine: Chess isn't all that exciting. Unless you're Artemis.
1. The Cinema

**I've been wanting to do a drabble series for a while, so here we go!**

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Holly Short was sitting in the Fowl's guest room, trying to put her hair into a ponytail (It had grown out to chin length) when someone knocked.

"Come in!" she yelled.

Artemis cracked the door open an inch to make sure that yes, Holly was completely dressed and ready to accept visitors, before fully entering the room.

"Holly, I would like to issue you a formal invitation, delivered orally. Unless you would feel more comfortable with one that is written."

Holly stopped wrestling with her scrunchy. The whole thing was futile anyways; her hair just slid right out of the accessory. It was too short.

"What? In English please," she cocked her head, "Or Gnommish."

Artemis looked extremely uncomfortable. He fiddled with his tie even though it was perfectly straight, and then cleared his throat.

If that human sweated like a normal person, he'd be drenched by now, thought Holly.

"Would you like to accompany me to the cinema this evening?"

The fairy blinked. Was Artemis asking her on a date? To the movies? Who still called it the cinema?

"Are you asking me to go to the movies?"

"Yes. Basically."

Holly stared into Artemis mismatched eyes until he looked away.

"You do not have to accept, I assure you. I will not be offended. In fact, maybe it is better if-"

"Okay."

Artemis jerked his head back up.

"Okay?"

"Okay. But on one condition."

Artemis gulped.

"I get to pick the movie, and you have to order an extra-large popcorn with lots of butter."

A faint smile played over Artemis' lips. Holly knew that he wouldn't dare touch movie theater popcorn. The elf was clearly planning to eat it all herself. The genius pictured Holly carrying such a large container and nearly chuckled out loud.

"Very well, Captain. I will pick you up at seven o'clock sharp."

He turned to leave.

"Is this a date?" Holly blurted.

"It is if you want it to be." Artemis said almost languidly as the door shut behind him.

Holly smiled, and decided to get ready.

It was 7:00 exactly when Artemis knocked on Holly's door for the second time.

"Just a minute!"

There was a muffled crash and then Holly stepped out (without letting Artemis see inside). She was wearing a casual green dress (that had pockets) and black tights. There was even a cute green hibiscus-looking flower in her hair.

"Say one word about the outfit and you're in trouble, Mud Boy."

"You look lovely."

Holly stopped and crossed her arms, keeping her back to Artemis.

"What did I just say?!"

"You said not to say one word about your outfit. I said three."

Holly stormed to the car with a smile on her face.

On the way to the movies, they sat in an uncomfortable silence. Artemis was drove, and Holly sat up front despite the dangerous air bags.

She fiddled with her seat and then noticed something.

"Hey, where's Butler?"

Artemis smirked.

"We made a deal a long time ago. He could accompany me everywhere except on dates, in the bathroom, and at sports games."

Holly snorted.

"He knew that I would not go to many sports games."

More silence.

"So… what should we see?"

"I am not sure what is playing, but it does not matter to me."

Artemis pulled flawlessly into the parking lot, and then opened Holly's door for her like a true gentleman.

"Maybe an action movie?"

"That might be a bit close to real life."

"But then you could make fun of it, and I could yell at you for making fun of it." Holly smiled and punched Artemis in the arm to let him know she was kidding.

In the end, they purchased two tickets to a cartoon flick about a dancing duck, or something. The pair went into the dark theater and found that it was almost empty.

"Yes! I can get both of my armrests!" Holly cheered.

She managed to balance her giant bag of popcorn on the seat beside her. Holly specifically wanted both of her hands to be free.

The movie started, and Artemis and Holly sat patiently waiting for the other to make a move. Neither was really paying attention to the animated duck.

Come on, Mud Boy, holly thought.

After twenty minutes of nothing, she finally caved. The elf grabbed Artemis' arm and put it around her shoulders for him, and then rested her head on his shoulder.

They sat happily for another twenty minutes until Holly's neck got stiff and Artemis' arm fell asleep. They transitioned into hand holding, which was great until both of their hands got really sweaty. Then the couple resorted to linking arms, but that was still uncomfortable.

"Oh, for Frond's sake." Holly muttered.

She stood up and sat on Artemis lap. For a second his boy went rigid, but then he relaxed a fraction. He seemed unsure of what to do. Artemis' hand hovered by the elf, but then dropped back onto his armrest, unwilling to risk ruining the moment.

"Do I have to do everything?" she whispered.

Holly wrapped his arms around her waist.

"Honestly, I would've thought you'd have come up with some formula for-"

Artemis silenced the elf with his lips, and he pulled her tighter to prevent any escape. Not that Holly wanted to, or anything. She just twined her fingers into his raven black hair and melted into his arms.

Once they'd come up for air, Artemis moved his mouth over by Holly's ear.

"You see now, my dear, that I knew exactly what I was doing." Hid breath was warm, "I have a habit of getting what I want."

Holly shifted so that she was straddling the genius. He shivered ever so slightly. She brushed her lips against his, acting like she was about go in for another kiss.

"Is that so, Artemis? Because I'm pretty sure that the movie… just… ended." Holly exhaled and slid off of his lap, just as the lights in the theater came back on.

Artemis watched her lope easily down the steps and grinned.

_Perhaps this point goes to her._

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**If you have any suggestions for drabble plots, tell me in a review. I'm always open to new ideas!**


	2. Ending to TLG

**This is how I think the ending of TLG should have gone. Except, of course, it would be much more witty and not entirely soaked with ooey-gooey romancy nonsense. **

**Please, humor me, and try not to gag too much.**

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Artemis' senses were overloaded, or perhaps they didn't exist.

He could smell freshly cut grass, heavy with the color green and so thick it blocked out the sun. Crickets screamed, and each hop they took shook the world and sent everything spinning. Wind whipped through a phantom jacket made from a mind that didn't exist. He felt the dirt shift and change and turn to water, which turned to great big clouds that sailed the skies like swollen sea creatures. Rain soaked his body and scattered his thoughts like stars, the stars that fell to earth like diamonds.

Rain. Diamonds. Or maybe they were tears, he didn't know.

He sang with the thunder and swallowed lightning.

Images swirled in a merry-go-round panorama of shadows. Colors not visible suddenly could be tasted and lived and fashioned from the baritones of a mockingbird. He breathed the darkness and spun it into moonlight, which he cast down upon the house.

House.

He struggled to hold himself together. Little pieces escaped every time the breeze tugged at his mind. A sunbeam illuminated the hairline fractures that spidered over every inch of his consciousness, turning each crack gold. She was the glue that held his frayed mind together.

Gold. Stolen.

And then suddenly, he woke up.

He was sitting in a field, the sun only beginning to poke her fiery head over the horizon. The moon kept watch from above, even though she was beginning to fade into the deep indigo of morning.

There were three shapes before him , one small, one large, and one a little bit different from the others. He sat up slowly and tried not to vomit. The world tilted and spun, and Artemis was so disoriented he hardly had control over his own body.

Of course, such side effects were to be expected after floating around as a spirit for six months.

Flowers. He smelled flowers. He opened one eye just a crack and marveled at how beautiful they were. The sight brought tears to his eyes. He'd never seen flowers like that before and wondered vaguely if it was an undiscovered species, right in his backyard.

_These remind me of someone. Someone who is very dear to me._

_ Holly. _The name punched through his thoughts, bringing order to his foggy mind for a few indispensable moments of clarity.

Someone came to his side. The man slid his giant hands underneath Artemis' armpits and pulled him gently to his feet.

_Butler._

"Artemis, you're back," he rumbled in a voice thick with emotion.

"Yes, old friend, I believe I am."

He wobbled and would have fallen, had Butler not kept a firm grip on his shoulder. Everything was coming into focus, sharper focus than Artemis remembered his old eyes to be.

And he felt like pure energy was flowing in his veins. For the first time ever, the criminal mastermind felt like he could run a mile and would enjoy doing so. He felt like laughing, and singing, and crying all at the same time. He was filled with so much _life_!

"Wow, Foaly, did you have this clone exercise vigorously on a regular basis?" he chuckled weakly and then froze.

Artemis' voice was significantly higher than his old one.

Foaly shuffled nervously as the boy examined his body.

"Artemis… it would be best if you didn't get overexcited…"

"I'm an elf" Artemis stated flatly.

"I can explain!" Foaly was stamping his hooves and working himself into a frenzy, "I didn't have time to make a human cloning apparatus. Opal's machine couldn't be properly adjusted in such a short amount of time…."

The centaur paused to whinny.

"But, I was able to change the settings from pixie to elf. I'm sorry, Artemis, but it was either an elf or nothing,"

That explained the intensity of emotion that Artemis was feeling. The nervousness, the confusion, the joy of living, it swirled in his head and jumbled his thoughts. He knew it would take a while to get used to and even longer to control. For now, he was wearing his heart on his sleeve.

A wave of gratitude swelled and washed over his mind. He

"Foaly, oh dear, Foaly, I have missed you! Thank you for everything!"

The unusually pale elf (he was essentially the elf version of himself; he still had his shockingly black hair and ice blue eyes) lurched forwards and hugged Foaly with all the strength he could muster. The bewildered techie patted him awkwardly before finally wrapping his arms around him in a proper hug.

"Aw, shucks, Artemis."

The centaur tried to discreetly wipe the moisture from his eyes.

"And you, Butler, you have been my best friend ever and I am really really sorry-"

He glommed on to Butler (or rather, Butler's thigh, him now being the height of a small child) next and babbled a bit more before catching sight of the third, smallest figure.

Holly stood stock still, knee deep in the field of flowers. A gentle breeze stirred her hair and whispered secrets about the individual before her, having borne his spirit aloft for months. A moonbeam sculpted the hollow of her collarbone and turned her cheek to silvered stone. The only sign that she was a living being and not, in fact, a statue was her shaking fingers.

Tears streamed down her face and dripped onto the petals by her feet. They glittered in her, wide, bright eyes and revealed her own tumultuous emotions.

Artemis sucked in a breath. What a beautiful creature she was. How, how had he not told her what he was feeling? How had he been able to keep it inside his soul for all this time?

His new elf mind unlocked his true feelings and gave him the power to set them free.

"I love you," The words fell from his lips and he became emboldened, "I love you. I knew it, I always did, from the moment I saw you in that moonlit field not so different from this one we stand in right now. I love you. I love everything about you. I love you."

No matter how many times he uttered the phrase, it never did grow stale. He wanted to shout and suddenly he was crying even harder than she was.

Holly looked at the handsome elf before her and realized that Artemis was born to die and be reborn. It was fate, pushing them together once more. Even she, a guarded person by nature, couldn't deny this, didn't want to deny it this time. Holly ached for Artemis, her muscles screamed out for him but she was rooted to the spot by fear.

His eyes, those blue eyes called to her, swallowing any witticisms, any clever comebacks, any of the tricks she threw up to keep him away. The shining tracks on his cheeks were captivating, mesmerizing in their own way that was completely devoid of magic. She needed to take a step, but couldn't.

And so Artemis took it for her, once again. Suddenly he was there, filling her whole world with his presence. His arms encircled her waist and held her soul together.

_I am the fragile one, _she realized, _and I haven't even been a ghost._

He smelled like grass and clean and she loved it. She loved the sweet nothings that he whispered in her ear (grammatically correct sweet nothings which were a lot more intelligent than those that Orion spouted). She loved this moment and how wonderfully delicate she felt, as if she was made of glass and could shatter at any moment.

But Artemis wouldn't let that happen. His elfin arms were strong but held her gently and she could feel the steady beating of the heart he had just truly discovered.

After some time, the lovely words that swirled around the magically charged air stopped, and Artemis pressed his forehead to hers, searching for her lips.

"I said your elf kissing days were over," Holly said breathlessly, not entirely forbidding such an action but trying desperately to maintain her fading grasp of the upper hand.

"Yes, but technically, this _is _another time. You said that, one could argue, a long time ago, and logically that would constitute-"

Holly kissed him with such force that a violent hurricane of blue and amber magic swirled around their bodies, sparking and flashing like lightning. She clutched at his disheveled hair for dear life, twining her fingers firmly in his dark locks and bringing his face closer. Behind her eyelids she saw the muted glow of the magic, and the hairs on her arms stood up as the sparks danced over her skin.

One of Artemis' hands drifted up to Holly's face and brushed it lightly. He took his thumb and wiped it along her cheek in a vain attempt to stop the tears.

"Stop crying," He mumbled, and she felt his smile.

Holly shuddered with the intensity of her emotions, and finally relaxed completely in his embrace.

"I love you," she said for the first time ever.

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**I guess I was feeling sentimental. Hope you guys didn't drown in the sappy sweetness, otherwise you wouldn't be able to review!**

**Oh, and by the way, the first few paragraphs were inspired by chapter twelve of HolidayBoredom's Short Circuits. I hope she doesn't mind! But I really loved that chapter, and wanted to try my hand at something like it (and, of course, I fell miserably short of her writing, but whatever).**


	3. Bath Attack

**The last time I checked, there were 444 Artemis Fowl crossovers… boy, would that bug Arty!**

**Enjoy!**

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"No!"

Holly stared at the petulant toddler in hopes that he would miraculously have a change of heart. She put on her best puppy dog face.

"Please, Beckett? For me?"

"No!" he stuck out his bottom lip even further.

Holly sighed gustily, blowing back a lock of hair that had fallen into her eyes. The boy was entirely immune to her charms, and unless she decided to slip in a bit of the _mesmer, _nothing was going to sway him.

I guess the puppy dog face only works on adolescents like Artemis, she thought. That maneuver was her last hope. One time, it had effectively persuaded the boy genius to take her to an amusement park full of corn dogs and washed up clowns.

His brothers were never going to take their bath at this rate.

She'd agreed to watch them for the afternoon while Artemis was at an eco-science expo and his parents were on a date. It had seemed like a perfectly acceptable thing to do at the time. The elf had battled trolls, evil pixies, and blood thirsty demons. How hard could it be to entertain two little boys for an evening?

Myles and Beckett had quickly gotten tired of the arts and crafts that Holly had set up for them (but not before Beckett had poured the majority of a bottle of blue glitter into his hair). They decided that it was time for a romp outside.

It was pretty fun, Holly had to admit. Two days ago there'd been a big storm, and mud puddles were everywhere. Within minutes, all three of them were covered head to toe in the sludgy, slimy goo.

Which was still fine with Holly. She loved a good mud bath, and surface mud was a lot better than the recycled kind at the spa.

For an hour or two they made mud pies, threw mud balls at each other, and had even attempted to make a true Mud Man. Myles had compared the properties of the mud close to the house with the mud near the pond, and Beckett threw a worm in the pool.

The real trouble came when it was time to go inside. Holly had to physically restrain both boys when they tried to get inside, then barricade the back door. Artemis would kill her if there was even a speck of dirt on his precious Persian rug.

Finally, Holly let the boys ride on her moonbelt if they promised to stay there until she brought them inside. That way, with Myles and Beckett bobbing next to her, she'd been able to bolt through the house to the bathroom. Lucky for her the mud was in the process of hardening but not _completely _dry yet, and only a bit flaked off. Nothing a vacuum couldn't handle.

She'd made it to her destination, much to the infinite horror of the boys.

They'd been in there for half an hour so far with no progress at all.

"Myles? Isn't it really unsanitary to be all muddy?"

"Maybe, but I'm doing a 'speriment," he avoided her eyes.

Holly was counting on at least Myles taking a bath.

"Oh really, what kind of experiment are you doing? I bet Artemis would like to know."

Myles fidgeted on the fluffy white rug that was quickly turning brown.

"It's classified. I can't tell you," he declared, sounding so much like his brother that Holly almost laughed out loud, "Classified means a big secret."

The elf leaned back against the bathroom door, not caring about the mud all over her. This was exhausting, and she was running out of ideas. The "take a bath, I'm in charge, you'll get in trouble" attitude hadn't worked, and neither had bribes.

She glanced over at the Fowl's bathtub. It was gargantuan, slightly bigger than a Jacuzzi. There was a handrail and steps and everything. A small pool, really. She was surprised that Myles and Beckett didn't like bath time, though this type of bath was all they'd ever known. It must have gotten boring.

But she even put bubble bath in the water! What little kid wasn't impressed by bubbles?

Myles and Beckett, apparently.

She walked over and sat on the edge of the tub. With one hand, she scooped up a handful of bubbles.

"Do you two know how to blow bubbles?"

Myles cocked his head.

"With the plastic wand that comes in a bottle of bubbles?" he wondered aloud.

Holly sighed again, and a disturbed a few bubbles that were in her hands. They took flight and swirled in the air for a few seconds before disappearing. Beckett caught one on his tongue and grinned.

"You _can _use a wand, but you can also use your hands."

The elf rubbed her hands together until she worked up a soapy lather. She then put her index fingers and thumbs together, forming a triangle. A translucent film stretched across the triangle, light rainbow colors swirling across it.

With a gentle puff of air, she blew a bubble. A tiny spark of magic danced in the center. The twins watched, transfixed, until the bubble burst over Myles head. The amber spark skittered around his nose and sank into his cheek, fixing a tiny scrape. He giggled.

"Why don't you come try it?" She beckoned towards the water.

They started forward, then Myles stopped and grabbed Beckett's arm.

"It's a trap!" he whispered loudly.

Holly rolled her eyes.

"What do I have to do to get you to take a bath? Name it, and it's yours."

Beckett narrowed his eyes and thought as hard as his brain would let him.

"Take a bath with us! Holly stinky and dirty too!"

Myles nodded gravely.

Holly looked in the (equally enormous, grand) mirror over the (also grand) sink. It was true; she was as stinky and dirty as Beckett had so eloquently described. Her longish hair was matted and so dark with mud that it's fiery red color had been completely obscured. Dirt clung to her eyelashes and had dried in her eyebrows. Really, the only inch of her that wasn't caked with mud were her lips (to a certain extent, since when she'd realized there was mud on her face and had warned herself specifically _not _to lick her lips, or anything else for that matter, she couldn't seem to stop licking her lips) and her eyes. Her shimmer suit was totally brown, and Foaly would have a fit if she didn't clean it.

All in all, she desperately needed a bath.

Also, that bathtub looked divine…

"Okay, deal."

She sealed it with a handshake from each of them.

"Look out below!"

The elfin captain rushed towards the water and (with a bit of help from her mud encrusted wings) and did a spectacular cannonball for someone only four feet high. A delighted Myles and Beckett were sprayed with a mixture of water and bubbles.

The boys howled with glee and plopped into the water with less dramatic gusto. Holly soaped up each of their hair and soon they were all sporting white, foamy mohawks. Suds flew, happy screams echoed in the cavernous bathroom, and water spilled all over the floor.

Holly allowed each boy to sit on her back and pretend she was a dolphin, and after they were sufficiently clean, she let them wear her helmet. Myles paddled around with a plastic toy boat that he'd tinkered with. Now it would automatically change into a submarine when dunked underwater. Beckett attacked it with a squishy giant squid.

Actually, Beckett attacked everything with his squid, including Holly's face.

Holly was yelling for help as any sensible person would when being attacked by a five inch tall giant squid when the door flew open.

"What is going on?"

Artemis stood in the doorway, scanning the room for any sign of danger. He was dressed immaculately as always; you couldn't even tell that he'd been out all day.

"Arty! We were just taking a bath, but then a giant squid attacked me."

Holly threw the toy at Artemis. It struck him in the chest and he glowered. Beckett giggled.

"Congratulations, you didn't scream about nuts this time!" Holly applauded and Artemis' brothers joined in.

"I was in real danger, Holly," he sulked.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," the elf squinted at him, "Arty… do you have some dirt on your suit?"

Artemis looked down at his fine Armani suit. It was perfect. Not even a speck of dust dared settle on it. The deep blue fabric was spotless.

"No, I do not see anything."

He looked up to spot a grinning Holly and paled a bit. She was wearing that predatory look. The one that reminded him of a hungry Tunisian panther. That look always meant he was about to run into trouble. That look was bad news. Very bad news.

"Myles, I think Artemis got dirty today," she purred.

"Holly's right, Arty. You're all dirty," He laughed darkly, and reminded Artemis of his younger self for one terrifying moment.

"No, no, no. I am very clean, Myles! I smell like roses," he sniffed his sleeve, "Yes, I do believe that is the distinctive scent of roses!"

Beckett was not about to be left out in this conversation about imaginary dirt.

"Yes! Arty has worms crawling around in his ears."

"Exactly Beckett. Artemis definitely needs a bath."

And with that, the elf leapt out of the water and had tackled Artemis before he could yell for Butler.

She straddled his back, her knees digging into his sides. Artemis squirmed for a moment, then lay still. Escape was futile.

"This suit is very expensive Holly," he grunted.

Beads of water rolled off of her shimmer suit and sparkled in her hair. Artemis was already pretty wet, but that sort of thing tended to happen when a drenched elf was sitting on you.

"Aw, come on, Artemis! I thought it was every guy's dream to take a bath with a pretty girl."

She flipped him over and sat on his stomach.

"Yes, I suppose it is," Artemis said absentmindedly, not quite hating the situation he was in as much as he should have. A faint blush rose to his cheeks and he was all too aware of the Captain's presence.

Holly bent lower, her nose almost grazing his. She rested her hands on his chest and looked even more like a big cat.

"Then let's get you into the tub…" she grinned and Artemis could have sworn her incisors were unusually sharp.

"Maybe…"

And so, Holly dragged Artemis by one leg and dumped him in the bathtub, while she proceeded to laugh as he was mauled by two five year olds wielding shampoo bottles.

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**How was it? I hope they were all in character. **

**Also, I'm not sure if the fierce Tunisian panther actually exists.**

**Review?**


	4. Shower Mauling

**What's with all the bath time fics from me? I dunno. All I can say is that this is what happens after watching Pitch Perfect and then listening to Bulletproof on a loop.**

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Holly padded sleepily towards the hall to the locker room. Not a soul was at work yet. The fluorescent lights cast their artificial greenish glow on the conspicuously empty linoleum tiles and oozed into dark offices (that were painted green, though you couldn't really tell). The low drone of some vague machine whined continuously, interrupted occasionally with unidentified creaks and groans that could unsettle even the most battle hardened soldier.

I hate coming here so early, Holly thought with a shudder, it's creepy and everything looks so _green_!

She moved like a ghost, unwilling to disturb the so-called silence.

Her shower had been broken for six months and she'd been too busy (lazy) to get it fixed. So, the logical course of action was to shower at work until further notice, right?

Wrong.

In truth, the women's locker room didn't actually exist. There would be only three people who would ever use it –Lili, Vinyaya, and herself –but still, it was sexist that there wasn't a facility for them.

Holly, a staunch feminist herself, was appalled when she found out. The LEP could at least _pretend _to treat the female officers equally. Except for Lili. Lili could go to hell. She'd probably use the guy's locker room with gusto if she ever needed to get ready before work.

She was even more offended when she went to complain to HR. Those chauvinist pigs had only told her that she could use the men's showers if she really wanted to. Throughout the whole conversation the two HR reps had been winking suggestively and making comments like "we should have made the locker rooms coed a long time ago" and "If you decide to use the locker room for real, let me know. I might start using them myself". The elfin captain stormed out of their office after tossing a juvenile "you need to. I can smell you from here" over her shoulder.

Idiots! Trouble offered to put up a sign for an hour or two in the morning that would order all male officers to stay out of the showers, but Holly was sure there'd be quite a few soldiers who "didn't see the sign".

The only choice she had was to either go to the Council and demand that a new locker room be built (which would almost certainly take forever and had a good chance of getting vetoed), or simply pretend to drop the subject and come in ridiculously early to use the showers in private until her own was fixed.

"Frond," she muttered, her voice bouncing around in the green hallway, "When did bathing get so complicated?"

She kicked the scuffed up locker room door open (with a viciousness even more bitter than usual) and shot the little green man symbol with an imaginary Neutrino.

Holly Short was not much of a morning person.

Regretfully, she slouched out of her pajamas, loathe to leave their comforting fuzziness. She'd die if anyone saw her in the pink Eeyore t-shirt, but in truth, the elf loved her cutesy girly 'jammies.

The scathing bite of boiling hot water improved her mood a fraction and woke her up a bit as well.

_I think I'll use up all the hot water today._

The thought cheered her, and so she began to sing.

"Next time, maybe, I'll beeeeeeeee, bulletttttproooooooof!"

Soon Holly was belting out the lyrics of the popular Mud Man song into her loofah microphone with her hair soaped up in muted red spikes.

She stuck her hand through the chink between the shower curtain (green of course, though it had started to turn an alarming shade of brown) and the wall.

"Next time, maybe, I'll beeeee,"

Her fingers groped around on the cool wall tiles until it found the towel rack. Holly swiped her hand along the metal bar and felt her towel slip through her fingers. It fell to the ground in with a disheartening "flump". Right into a huge puddle, no doubt.

_D'arvit!_

The captain bit back the curse and took a deep breath.

_No, Holly, you are not starting your day off grumpy because of a stupid towel. When you get angry, and you will no doubt, it will be over something that's worthy of your wrath._

Unfortunately for her, Holly Short was totally right.

"Next time, maybe,"

She danced out of the shower cubicle and pirouetted on the slick floor. She'd simply get another towel from the big rack by the door, no big deal.

"I'll beeeeee,"

Her eyes were squeezed shut from the water that threatened to blur her vision and also because of her passionate singing.

In the elf's defense, the song was perfectly on key. She did have a lovely singing voice.

Holly was nearly there when she heard something clatter to the floor.

"Bulletttttproo…." She choked on the last word.

The captain froze, eyes wide and straight ahead, fixated on the rack of towels just out of her reach. A million awful thoughts raced through her head, none of which came close to the true, awful reality.

Slowly, painfully, she turned towards the noise.

_Please be Lili or Vinyaya, please please please please –_

There stood Grub Kelp, mouth hanging open in shock, a shampoo bottle on the ground near his feet. He was officially the luckiest officer in the LEP, Holly being the most unlucky.

Holly's only consolation was that Grub still had on his pajamas (they had little racecars all over them), unlike herself.

She was hyper aware of every drop of water on her body and every soap bubble in her fiery red locks.

The two just stood there, staring, for quite a few long minutes. One felt like he was in a dream, the other like she was in a nightmare.

Finally, (and stupidly, for him) Grub broke the spell.

"Whoah!" he squeaked, a wide smile breaking across his face, "Wait until I tell Trubs about _this!_"

Grub exited that locker room on a stretcher. Frankly, he was lucky not to leave in a body bag. Among his injuries were two black eyes, a fractured femur, three broken fingers, a shattered jaw and a minor concussion.

Holly left with a bruised fist and all the dignity she could muster. She'd beaten the stuffing out of the other officer, but try as she might Holly knew that she'd never be able to beat out the memory of their encounter. She'd tried her best, though. The concussion was her last hope.

Grub still told everyone. And his story had quite a few embellishments.

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**Hmm… would this be considered a song fic? Sorry about all the overload of parentheses, guys, I think I have a problem.**

**Also, I was wondering, exactly how does having a beta work? Like, what do they do, just edit your work for you? I never did have time to go look for one.**

**I can has review?**


	5. Blinded with Science

**I thought of this when young Artemis talked about a perfume made of human pheromones in TTP. Enjoy!**

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Artemis Fowl held the little cologne bottle up to the light. A watery liquid sloshed around, darkened by the cloudy black glass. It looked normal enough, but inside was his own concoction.

He rolled it between his fingers as his heart gave a little jump of excitement. For the past three months he'd been working on a secret project: fairy pheromones. Specifically, elf pheromones. Artemis had studied a particular fairy very closely and had surreptitiously taken samples when the opportunity arose. He'd even gone to Haven once, and was able to get a significant amount of research done, since there had been access to male fairies.

Finally, his product was finished: a cologne saturated with male elf pheromones. It would make him smell overwhelmingly delicious to any female fairy in the room. He had also made one that would make the wearer irresistible to male fairies, but that was less useful.

_This is strictly in the name of science, _Artemis told himself firmly, even though he knew he would never reveal such a discovery. The boy genius would be mortified to have his name on a silly _love potion,_ and found it quite immoral to sell such an invention commercially.

No, this was for his personal use.

With only a small intake of breath to steel his nerves, he spritzed the mist around his neck and chest. To him it smelled like normal human cologne, but then again, he wasn't a female fairy.

Artemis allowed himself a few more sprays of the bottle for good measure, and then strode out of his room before he could chicken out.

Holly was lounging in the living room. She'd been invited over for lunch, or so she thought.

Her face lit up as Artemis appeared and sat next to her on the sofa. The elfin Captain promptly moved her feet from the ottoman to Artemis' lap, her own personal footrest.

At first the boy genius was irritated when she did this, but had since grown fond of her boots. Despite the fact that they always got dirt on his suit.

"Hey, Arty boy, what's Butler cooking up for us today? Some fancy mushroom thing? Soup? Sandwi…"

Her voice trailed off in the middle of her sentence and Holly's smile faded and her eyes became a little unfocused.

"Wow, Arty, you smell really, really…"

She crawled over to him, tucking her legs beneath her. Her tiny hands brushed at his jacket and Artemis noticed a how her ears quivered.

"Nice to see you too, Holly,"

The criminal mastermind watched with interest as the pheromones took their effect. Holly made a strangled whining noise in the back of her throat and buried her face in Artemis' shirt.

"Mmmm…"

She rubbed her eyes, trying to fight whatever had overcome her so completely.

"Gee, I feel strange," Holly mumbled, reverting back to Gnommish because he brain was so foggy that it couldn't even handle the gift of tongues.

She licked her lips and blinked, looking quite confused. Holly sniffed Artemis again, her face pressing into his neck.

_It is working, _he thought with satisfaction, _The cologne is affecting Holly even more deeply than I had previously predicted._

Just then, Holly sighed sweetly, eyelids fluttering, and collapsed on Artemis. Her ears still twitched erratically.

The boy sighed and cradled the elf in his arms. Her brain must have been so overcome by the smell that it simply shut down. Even though he was a genius, he'd still put on too much cologne. Exactly like every other teenager with a bottle of Axe.

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**Am I right? It's hard not to choke sometimes. I think perfume bottles should lock for eight hours after ONE spray.**

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	6. You Know it's True

**I love N****o****1. It's too bad he and Qwan weren't in the books all that much, and I was really disappointed when N****o****1 didn't accompany Artemis and Holly back in time in TTP.**

**Apparently I need new glasses. The eye doctor lady said that my vision has gotten significantly worse, and it was probably my fault for never wearing my glasses in the first place. Whatever. Squinting makes you look tough, right? **

**The computer screen isn't **_**too **_**blurry.**

* * *

No1 flipped rapidly through the channels with bursts of green magic from his fingertips. The pictures changed so quickly that the screen was just a blur of color. Holly couldn't even pick out a single image, let alone recognize a show.

The little demon laughed delightedly.

"Humans have so many funny things to watch! Who would have thought that they'd find colorful clothes so captivating? Enthralling? _Mesmerizing?_"

His eyes flicked away from the screen in order to give Holly a wink. A small bolt of magic missed its target and melted an odd looking device that was sitting next to the large television.

"Colorful clothes? Keep your eyes on your power, No1!"

He noticed the mistake and shot another blue spark at the gooey pool that was threatening to drip onto the carpet. It rearranged itself back into the original gadget.

"Sorry. I beg your pardon."

No1 grinned and ceased channel surfing. Apparently, through the maelstrom of indiscernible blurs, he'd found something he liked.

"Ah! I love this Mud Man show. It's quite funny," he giggled along with the "live studio audience" in order to prove his point.

On the screen was a nerdy looking teenage girl attempting to talk to a shaggy-haired boy. Holly assumed that he was one of the cool kids.

The girl snorted and lisped through her braces, basically making a fool out of herself. The cool kid humored her for a while, his friends laughing in the background, before shoving past the girl and tossing a snarky comment over his shoulder. The girl only smiled wider and swooned against the crimson lockers in the background.

No1 visibly deflated.

"That boy wasn't very nice," he sighed, "She's my favorite character, too. One time, I heard her use the word 'indubitably'. It was positively amazing."

Holly rolled her eyes and watched the cool kid exchange witty banter with one of his teachers.

"That girl's the nerd, No1. _That's_ the girl everyone's supposed to like."

She pointed to the girl that Mr. Cool was talking to now. She was a pretty brunette, obviously the nice-best-friend-slash-obvious-love-interest girl. Not to be confused with the evil blond harpie who the cool kid thinks he likes.

No1 shrugged indifferently.

"She's okay, I guess, but the other girl uses wonderful words," he smiled at the elf, "Intelligence is attractive, Holly. You should know that better than anyone."

Holly opened her mouth and then closed it. She didn't have a suitable retort.

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**Geez, getting you guys to review is like pulling teeth! I only got two for the past two chapters (thank you, Tawny and Ru-Doragon, I appreciate the support. And sorry, I'm not good at writing make out scenes on command. If they happen, they happen. Maybe you'll get lucky in a later chapter! *Gets down on knees and begs for forgiveness*)**.

**So please, show me some love.**


	7. A Spiteful Shopping Spree

**This is set right after the first book, FYI.**

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Artemis stared at the receipt in his hands, trying to force down the bubbling anger that threatened his cool composure. They were definitely watching him right now. He would not give them the satisfaction of even a small scowl.

His eyes drifted up from the endless string of zeros and focused on the delivery guy. The poor man looked extremely uncomfortable, like he was about ready to bolt. Artemis couldn't blame him. After all, someone who would order two-thousand blenders had to be pretty unstable.

_Two-thousand, _he thought grimly, _I can't believe that they were childish enough to order two-thousand blenders and then foot me with the bill._

The LEP (or, to be more specific, a certain elfin captain and technologically advanced centaur) wasn't allowed to take back the gold Artemis had stolen, but there was nothing in the Book that forbade stealing a certain boy genius' identity and buying all sorts of heinous things in his name.

He could almost hear that fairy police officer laughing as he had Butler wheel the boxes and boxes of the kitchen appliance down to the basement. Right next to the boxes and boxes of glitter, and the boxes and boxes of ladies' unmentionables, and boxes and boxes of a certain product that he really needed to get rid of before anyone discovered them.

Artemis sighed and wondered what delightful surprise he'd get next time.

Down in Haven, Holly clicked the "purchase" button with a malicious cackle.

"Enjoy your two million lollipops, you dirt bag! What a chump! What a sucker!"

She howled even louder at her unintentional pun.

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**You guys really came through for me in the reviewing department! Thanks a bunch!**

**Also, I recently bought a wrist rest and the thing is possibly my new best friend. It's so comfortable. I have to refrain from stroking it lovingly every time I walk in the room. **


	8. Say Cheese, Not a Four Letter Word

**Gah! I'm so sorry; I've been gone for a really long time. What with it being summer, I'm sure I'll be able to write more frequently.**

**It's not my best, but I thought you deserved a little something after waiting so patiently for my return.**

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Artemis flipped through the digital camera, laughing in such an undignified manner that even the most informal genius would be appalled.

A picture of an elbow. A blurry snapshot of a hazel eye, the delicate eyebrow above slashing down in annoyance. A pair of pink bow lips that were wide open, probably in the middle of some Gnommish curse. Multiple snapshots of the couch and floor. One image that was a smudge of red and blue, something that was unidentifiable even to Artemis.

_Who knew? _He thought with a smile on his face, _Elves possess technology decades ahead of every piece of human equipment on the planet, and yet it is difficult for them to operate a simple camera._

Butler had found the device underneath the sofa in the parlor (the bodyguard had, for a moment, believed it to be some sort of explosive gadget). Artemis assumed that Holly had found it lying on the coffee table during her last visit and had tinkered with it as she waited for him to come down from the lab.

The tip of an ear. A close-up of a finger.

Artemis snorted and was vaguely horrified at his reaction, but decided that he could use a healthy stress reliever. After all, he'd been up for the past two nights working.

A three second video that contained a surprising amount of colorful language.

The boy genius could really do some damage to Captain Short's reputation with these lovely little photos. Perhaps create a website, or paste one of them on the side of an elfin blimp (yes, they did have blimps in Haven, much to Artemis' surprise). Maybe even sell them to Foaly for a couple of those electromagnetic spark plugs he'd been wanted to get his hands on. No, wait, Mulch might have something even better, and most likely illegal. An added bonus, in Artemis' mind.

An unflattering shot up a certain someone's nose. A lock of auburn hair.

Artemis' giggles faded until there was only a fond smile on his face. Who was he kidding? There was no way he could use these picture against Holly. They were… cute. That was the word for them, for her. Cute. He was a certified genius, was able to outsmart even the wiliest villain, and owned the world's largest environmental research facility in the world, yet Artemis Fowl couldn't think of a better word for the fairy.

She was _cute._

And, in a totally selfish sort of way, Artemis wanted the pictures all to himself.

A perfectly framed shot of Holly's face, her mouth opened in a little "o" of surprise. Softly curling auburn hair (that was somewhat messy, on account of her wrestling so furiously with the camera) partially obscured one wide brown eye, the other equally wide blue eye staring, surprised, into the lens.

That one was his favorite.

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**Lately I've been reading a ton of John Green, who, by the way, is VERY good-looking. His writing, I might add, is pretty drop-dead gorgeous too. Who knew that words could be so darn attractive? I find myself sighing dreamily and batting my eyelashes like some sort of besotted cartoon character as I flip through the pages of his books. And they aren't even romance novels!**

**I highly recommend him, even though, you know, he's **_**mine. **_**Despite the fact that he has a wife and kids**


	9. Killer Butterflies and Fake Sneezes

**A/N: Sorry I haven't updated very often! I was hoping that I'd have a little more time to write over the summer, but I sort of abandoned fanfiction in order to work a bit on one of my original stories. (I wrote a total of 100,000 words on my newest novel, so I'd say that Camp NaNoWriMo was a success! If you've never heard of NaNoWriMo I'd strongly suggest checking out their website. It's a wonderful program that has helped me grow so much as a writer!)**

**On other news, thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews! They inspired me to pound out a little farewell to summer chapter.**

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It was a lovely day outside, one of those waning summer afternoons where the sun tries desperately to hold onto the lush green grass with weak fingers of light. Golden rays seeped through the dense trees in the garden and pooled onto any available surface. The wind, tired from a hard day of rushing through the aforementioned trees, only had the energy to lightly rustle the branches.

Underneath these trees sat two individuals, an intricately carved chess board between them. One sat ramrod straight. Sunbeams seemed to slight right off of his pale, thin frame. The other slumped forward, fingers drumming on the table. Her chestnut skin glowed a lovely shade of bronze.

Holly sighed, trying to blow away the chunk of auburn hair that had fallen over her eyes. They'd been sitting out here _forever._

"For Frond's sake, Artemis, just move! We both know who's going to win this game!"

The boy genius didn't even blink at Holly's outburst, continuing to stare at the chessboard with narrowed eyes and a furrowed brow. Holly just didn't understand what a delicate game chess was, how even one shoddy move could dig one's own grave. One had to think very carefully. They had to craft a strategy and never waver from the plan. There was no room for uncertainty.

"Now, now, Holly. Calm down . I told you before, once we are done with this game, it shall be your turn to pick an activity." Artemis picked up a rook with delicate fingers and nudged it over to the designated square.

Immediately, Holly grabbed her own piece and slammed it down on a random square. _Her _strategy was to lose as quickly as possible. She'd long ago forfeited her competitive nature in order to save herself mind-numbing hours of playing a game she didn't even like.

"Come _on. _I promise I won't beat you if you make a mistake!" Holly rested her face on the heels of her hands, smushing her cheeks together like a bored child would do. "Look, Artemis, I'm a fish!"

"Very funny, Captain Short, but I will never allow myself to let my guard down for even a second. I know what wily tactics they teach in the LEP, and I long ago promised myself never to fall victim to them."

Holly rolled her eyes. For some unfathomable reason, Artemis was paranoid that she was trying her absolute hardest to win a chess game against him. He was even more guarded during matches against the elf than he was when playing chess masters from around the world.

On the other side of the table, Artemis grinned inwardly at his own careful nature. She'd never win, not even when she used her sexuality as a weapon. The boy genius was totally immune to the attractive way she dressed, how her eyes reflected the afternoon light. He'd never get distracted when her knee touched his under the table, oh no. I mean, seriously, he never even noticed the way her lips were sculpted so perfectly, so full and pink. That was much too juvenile, and Holly should be ashamed of herself for employing such childish tactics!

Meanwhile, Holly had fit her mouth around the rim of her water glass, and was attempting to drink the water without coughing and spluttering.

Artemis studied the board, and studied the board, and studied the board. Then he studied the board some more. Then he ran through every worst case scenario for each person. The he ran through each best case scenario for each person, then….

Holly whistled the theme song for her favorite show, Princess Lollipop's Crime Spree and Toad Escapades. Then she whistled it through her nose.

Artemis imagined a scenario for all the ways he could move his knight. Then he imagined a scenario for all the ways that _Holly_ could move _her _knight.

Holly caught a beetle and talked to it for a while, until they got into an argument about which type of soil was the best. At that point she put it under her overturned water glass in a time out.

Artemis did some extensive breathing exercises.

Holly did an experiment where she said progressively weirder to Artemis. He didn't even look up when she said, "Hold on, I need to take out my gun and shoot that polka-dotted gnome behind you." Butler, however, heard that comment and caught the butterfly that was fluttering behind Artemis because he thought it was the gnome was in disguise.

Artemis reached for a piece, and then withdrew his hand.

Holly had to wrestle Butler to the ground in order to keep him from painfully interrogating the butterfly that was a threat to his young charge.

Artemis steepled his finger and thought some more.

At this point, Holly was totally and thoroughly fed up. She would end this game if it killed her.

Slowly, so she wouldn't attract attention, the Captain slid her fingers under the edge of the chessboard. She squinted her eyes and wrinkled her nose.

"Artemis… I think I need to… I think I have to… SNEEZE!"

And with that, she flipped the board. Chess pieces flew everywhere, raining down upon the sun-dappled grass with the magnificence that only a twenty-thousand dollar chess set can. Artemis was also caught in the expensive mahogany rainstorm, rooks and knights and kings and queens pelting his forehead and bonking him in the nose.

"Holly!" he exclaimed indignantly, "You did not even _try _to make that sneeze sound authentic!"

"Oh, darn," she said, ignoring Artemis completely. "It's not worth it to start another game, don't you think? "

"Actually, I would prefer that we-"

"Great! It's my turn to pick what we're gonna do, and I want to go wading in the creek!"

And with that, the elf kicked off her flip flops with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes and gently took Artemis' hand in hers. A breeze curled through her hair, sending tendrils of auburn to tickle her cheeks and dance around her shining eyes. She was a creature of the forest, and the forest welcomed her.

Artemis allowed her to lead him away, looking down with wonder at the small fingers that he held with his own, large hand. Tenderness and gratitude, once foreign emotions, flooded his body with warmth.

In that moment, that snapshot of an endless, sultry summer afternoon, Artemis wondered if maybe he could learn to live without chess. After all, the boy knew that in reality, he had already won the most precious prize of all.

Still, there was no way in hell that she was going to convince him to get in that creek.

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**A/N: All together now! One, two, three, awww! **

**Don't worry, I have a couple more ideas that aren't nearly as sappy as that one. **

**So I just read Fallen, and I swear, that book is a flagrant attempt at copying Twilight. Same soul-suckingly boring protagonist who's head is stuffed with nothing but thoughts of hot guys, same in-your-face love triangle with said hot guys except that it's apparent within the first fifteen pages. Really, I felt like both of the potential boyfriends were standing about an inch from my face, shouting about how the protagonist loves both of them. Such an experience is comparable to the occurrence of watching a movie on a huge screen, and you're sitting really close to that screen, and you feel like you need to lean way way back in order to keep the characters out of your personal space. I practically read the book while holding it at arms length.**

**I end my rant… now. Be sure to review!**


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